Jonathan's Life

2011-01-18T11:38:00.000-08:00

I have come to grasp a little more that i am actually loved by the Lord. That fact alone, i am discovering, is worthy of building my life around.

It’s the ultimate hope because its the ultimate love, it turns evil into a mere measurement used to impress on us the sheer magnitude of it. It is the trump card to guilt, inadequacy, loneliness, and purposelessness.

It brings new meaning to that verse, Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guar d your heart and your minds in Christ Jesus. God is so good! I am loved, and i can barely believe it. Sitting quiet in awe can be the only response for a talker like me.

Current State

2009-09-05T18:31:00.001-07:00

I am working on a bunch of songs at the moment.

Soothe is my completed song out for sale.

Arnafia is totally finished yet i need to redo the whole thing. I did it with cakewalk, but i lost the file for it so i gotta redo it by ear. I actually really like the feel of that song.

Magnificent Struggle will end up being someewhat like Soothe in feeling. I am really looking forward to making progress on it If Soothe isn't a warring song this will be.

Prayer is one I'm trying to convey deep contentment with growing joy. I have a plan for this song and is only a matter of doing it. Though i think the plan could change near the end

Rock The name of this song will be upgraded to something meaningful as soon as something hits me. Right now its my only attemp at something jazzy, approching something like rock. I am somewhat stuck on this song.

Today i started a new song, I ascribed to it a fist to the keyboard. I was in a hurry to go somewhere and i had to save it fast. so far it just a single harp. I think it might be something almost celtic, which is somewhat appropiate seeing as i have scottish blood in me. I have no idea what im gonna call it yet.

I have a ton of ideas for songs on my keyboard at home. I'm going for a 12 song album. Awwww squeak...

Text

2009-08-26T23:20:00.001-07:00

I was talking, on Facebook chat, to a friend today who had never communicated with me through text. She had only known me face to face. It dawned on me that I have not dealt with the issue that it is much easier to read what i mean than hear what i say. A few years into high school, i was constantly on some chat room. I realized that people could get a basic understanding of who i really am without any of the complications of my condition. I loved it so much, it sorta felt like i had found a way around the "walker".

After time it became obvious that text was no substitution for face to face fellowship. God provided people who saw me for who i am through this disguise. I, now know chatting lacks whole dimensions of communication. Except it does offer the possible easy of communication the my physical state cannot seem to allow. In some ways it makes me sad and resent my disability for making everything harder. In other was it makes me feel very glad, that i do indeed have people who seek me out despite the effort it takes.

Heres to the people who see through contorting skin.

Heres to those with enough patients to drown apathy in love!

Heres to the people who learn God's lesson for the old, while still young.

I can learn a great deal from my fiends.

Canadian Musings

2009-07-05T20:31:00.001-07:00

Ok, so i can't take a picture to save my life. I don't know why I even have a camara, but I am having a great time. My uncle let me borrow this scooter type thing and now i can go all over the place. Our house is really quite central to almost anything i could need. The church is like two or three blocks away so is this ridiculously huge mall. Also the bank and grocery store are all really close too. So i can do stuff....

Also the renter who is also my best friend up here, Dan, works as a special ed teacher at a local high school. He and some others have started a ministry at our church for people with special needs. Most of them deal with a mental disability in some form or another. These people i have successfully avoided since fourth grade, and here i am in their group almost.The strangest thing is happening, i am seeing them differently. They are people too!

Today we started a new series at church in proverbs, about being wise. Being around these people made me realize how absolutely foolish my avoidance of them is. Dan has a friend who is a songwriter, and a particular song says, "I am not afraid to be misunderstood!" Turns out i'm petrified of being misunderstood, but now i'm thinking is there anything better to be mistaken for... the most innocent kind of human being alive!

Road Trip #1

2009-06-21T13:35:00.001-07:00

Nathan and I are about to embark on a 4 hour road trip heading east into the middle of BC. My uncle has a place there right next to a very large lake, we hope to get in some good fishing in the next few days to come. Taking pictures is so unnatural for me, but i will make a conceted effort to take some. We are actually leaving right now, so i gotta go!

The foundation of all that is

2009-05-07T00:55:00.001-07:00

God has given me an opportunity to talk about Him to some one the last few weeks. My goal was to simply tell them my understanding of my faith in the most logical way i could. I found myself floundering, I could not think of how to structure my statements without leaving room for a thousand whys. As i started answering the consecutive questions, i found myself going back to before the beginning of time. Thinking on the Trinity and their nature, or what i knew of their nature anyway. We know they have this perfect communion with each of the other members, and at some point they began everything. They began time, space and everything else, but why?

Why would the start something they know would hurt them so much for so long? I am convinced they decided to start this whole thing for the sake of love. The members of the Trinity perfectly loves one another and they decided to make more being who could partake in this love. Love is one of those big four letter words that require blood and sweat. Thus evil has its place, the appealing alternative. As a side note, evil cannot exist with out good while good existed for all eternity past without evil :D Anyway the point of everything is so that we as humans may love God to enter his perfect communion, or not. Evil, pain, and sin are reduced to mere pawns in the scope of eternity! Granted, God cares immensely about our lives and gives us direction. I just get a huge kick out of how small our once huge world gets when compared to the love of our eternal God!!!

The fear of the Lord

2009-02-25T01:20:00.001-08:00

The prevailing meaning of the word fear is revere, that is the reverence of the Lord. In psalms when it say, "the fear o the Lord is beginning of all wisdom " is speaking of a reverence of the Lord

To revere some one you must, at some level, hold some kind of fear fro what they can do. So what is it that God would do to us that should cause fear in us so we can properly revere him? I think there are three categories everything can be filed into, pain, separation, and helplessness. For Christians, we are totally saved from separation as Jesus sealed us with his sacrifice. Pain, in this case, encompasses everything that causes pain, and whether you revere God or not he will surely allow pain in life. So it seems helplessness is the thing we should fear.

We need the spirit to guide us and to encourage us, to strengthen us and to comfort us. Otherwise we fail in all aspects of life, whether it's apparent or not. We are totally incapable of maintaining a clear perspective of our purpose on our own. If we do not have communion with the Spirit, our hope will fade and our joy will wilt.

We have help in this life, and without that we would live for not. That is why we can revere our helper, because we need Him! It seems just like God to set a scenario like this up. An all powerful God who could shred all reality into non existance at any moment, yet we need Him to help us tie our shoe...

Relationships

2009-02-18T15:11:00.000-08:00

It dawned on me that relationships with people are the single most fulfilling and most wonderful thing in my life. I absolutely love the people i'm around, i call them my people.

Anyway I have been listening to The Shack by William Young, and it talks about all kinds of relationships, even the relationship between the Trinity. though I haven't yet figured out if i fully agree with everything it says about the equality of the roles they play, I do agree that they have perfect fulfillment within that relationship. That is, for all eternity before creation they existed together. All power spread between three unique persons in one being without limits and without the lack of perfect goodness.

Our existence came into being so we can choose to enter into that relationship. So, our whole entire existence, is, for the sole purpose of relating! To me, this is just totally mind bending. Our whole world and all we do in it is possible so we can choose between relating with God or not. Granted relating with God takes many forms, many of which i'm sure i'll never understand.

I'll admit, i never really focused on visualizing how the relationship would actually be within the trinity. It never occured to me to think about it. The Bible make it clear that it and a whole bunch of other stuff is way beyond the scope of any human imagination, so this story only expands what i can consider about it. I find this story so amazing simply because i have never considered anything like this before.

The story suggest the relationship is childlike, yet whole in perfect wisedom and respect. I like that! Thinking about it makes me want to partake in something like that. From what I know of the character of God, it'll be so exciting and wonderful. It'll be exactly perfect!

My point in writing this is this, I wanna draw closer toward perfection in my relationships with people around me now. This, of course requires my relationship with God to thrive and flourish. We even have an active example, God, and the other two of the One loves each of us perfectly right now. Just think, no embarassment, no awkwardness, no fear, no agendas no comparison or pain. Just relation out of naked love for another being. I feel a pull towards this kind of existance, this is my heart's desire. I think we can get a whole lot closer to this kind of relating with eachother! I think this is all very possible, just as possible as my survival of the accident, or the next breath you're gonna take. Anything is possible through Christ who strengthens me Philippians 4:13

God is good!

The US as a Nation

2009-02-03T14:09:00.000-08:00

I am really quite concerned. Today i saw an article in the paper about prop 8, and i wonder for the first time how God feels about this.

I have always figured God wants me to be responsible for everything me. I think i need to think on a bigger scale. God is infinite and as such he's intimately aware of every person on the planet as he is with me. On a big scale our country has to be really disappointing to God.

Our country is so frustrating to me, what can I do, I'm only one. So I kinda adopted the detached mindset and shrugged off the responsibility, thinking what is important before God in my life is me and my people.

I've been going to and old testiment bible study for years now, where I read how God interacts with the nation of israel. It is pretty stinkin clear to me God cares about the US, which is really really really bad. The US as a culture openly ignores morality, the existance of God, consequence, and any kind of universal truth.

So now what? It seems to me that I am late on this one. We must do something. Look into what i'm saying, look at the old testiment. Yes, God care about our hearts so fake morality is no good. I still think God is upset with our nation. Let's see how God can change this situation through us. Pray about it, see if what i saw is right or not.

Poem?

2009-01-24T22:57:00.000-08:00

When I sit to write, or stop to think,
sadness is the first.

The Lord is victorious and because of Him I am too
Yet sadness persists

Motivation rises and I fight to change so I may thrive
even still, sadness lingers

So, i get smart and attack the Black with reason
though reason prevails ITS STILL THERE

Sadness, old foe, you may lurk and linger throughout my life, but the Lord gives new life despite you. Life of which you cannot oppress. You are a defeated foe!

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Ecclesiastes - Apathy

2009-01-20T14:56:00.000-08:00

I think Ecclesiastes is one of the most encouraging books of the Bible for someone plagued with apathy. I think it is meant to enlighten us to our subtle and totally futile attempt to infuse meaning or purpose into our lives, instead of just accepting the ample amounts of meaning AND purpose God supplies.

My theory about apathy revolves around Ecc 3:11b, which says "He[God] has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end."

There is clearly an innate conflict here! People cannot find meaning away from God because there is something eternal in us, It is at our core, we seek fulfillment, we don't already have it. We are infinite beings in a finite world, we need eternal fulfillment only God can provide.

Apathy comes form searching the finite for fulfillment, there's only pleasure. Pleasure can appear fulfilling and make us wonder why we are not fulfilled.

This is how the book ends:

Ecc 12:13 Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man.
Ecc 12:14 For God will bring every deed into judgment, including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil.

Peace

2008-11-26T15:20:00.001-08:00

Can there exist any better state?
An internal calm, a comfort, a quiet stillness.

Peace is what would keep and egg from breaking on an old wooden roller-coaster

It's the beautiful sonnet that is heard amidst chaos

God illustrates this in a tornado, the eye of the tornado is calm. This is the peace that is ours! Given by the Prince of Peace himself.

Uncertainty vs Certainty

2008-11-25T20:42:00.001-08:00

I am writing this from Bethal Seminary in San Diego. I just got out of my survey of Hebrews through Revelation class, today was all about the interpretation of Revelation. My Dad has always said something that bothered me. He said, "there have been many Christian who have lost there faith at Seminary". Understandibly not all semenaries are equal, but still how can this be?

I never really thought to ask the question, but i'm now looking at the answer. Knowledge is a strange thing, the old addage "ignorance is bliss" is really quite true. Well to a point. It seems to me the Bible and all its interpretation can swallow one whole, like a tidal wave. Not quite everything is challanged but almost. You must ask, " why do i think the Bible is saying one thing when it might be saying something else?" and the sheer magnitude of the implications of these interppretations are just overwhelming.

The Bible speaks of the shield of faith, i absolutely love this metaphor. I figure the shield is made up of facts that no one can convince you otherwise, and that are just flat out true. The people my Dad told me of must not have had a shield. The enemy works to brak up our stronghold, and he uses truth slightly tainted with lies to do that. So where ever we are, at Semenary, at church, at home, or where ever else, we must always have the trusty shield polished and ready

I believe the Bible speaks of this where it says "test all things by the spirit", and in Hebrews it talks about milk and meat. Meat is not as easy to eat as milk it, one must go kill the animal it comes from, clean it, trim the fat, and season it. After he cooks it, it is only then ready to eat. Being here has definately opened my eyes to how much i don't know, and how good it would be to know the things i don't know.

Single word musings and weddings

2008-11-19T11:58:00.000-08:00

Stuff...

What if that was my whole blog? "stuff..." Like nothing else but that. I wonder if anyone could anything into that? It would obviously be the most insightful blog i would ever write! But because to the mass media and the poporazzi that would surely flock to me and everyone i know... i think i'll write normal blogs. I know i write the one word blog right before i die, that way i won't have to witness the global impact it would have.

Anyway, Alex (one of my best friends) is getting maarried saturday. He decided to be daring and live life on the edge, i'm his best man. I'm kinda expecting the world to end saturday. Na, it'll be one of the most wonderful thing i have ever been a part of. Friday will be the day i practice taking a ring out of my pocket. Hey I'll be The Lord of The Ring...

So i have decided to take now till the new year off from the prayer group. However i'm starting it off with a bang, I got a pastor friend of mine to agree to come every other week, maybe also encouraging his congregation (a bunch of my friends) to come too. I just gotta figure out a way to better acomodate efcc.

Day 9 Oct 21

2008-10-21T19:30:00.000-07:00

This will be a short blog, because I don't have much time.

I woke up this morning feeling like pretty bummed, i felt pretty undisciplined and kinda powerless to change it. I was wrong God is control, whether anyone reconizes it or not. My life is soundly in his hands, and I feel so good about that.

Day 8 Oct 20 - A smashing beginning to the week

2008-10-20T10:00:00.000-07:00

Well this is the first day of this week.I feel a certain sence of impending accomplishment, because i've been successful thus far in writing daily. It's becoming something I look forward to, and something i think about throughout the day. I'm doing my best to take steps towards being discipline.

The weekend was filled with hours of music, I tried my best to finish it, but i wasn't able to. I got caught up in all the different possible drum patterns. Even the drums aren't quite right6 yet. Iv can't wait to get down there again today. Unfortunately my studio is right next to my Mom's piano teaching studio, and she teaches during the week.

It looks like I may be getting into trading again. If i can make money this time with it I will be very pleased. The system i'm looking at seems very hopeful. I've done three years of trading right out of high school. I've experienced both extremes, it can be very stressful and confusing if you don't know what you're doing. It can be more stressful and confusing if you think you know what you're doing and yet still losing money. We'll see how it goes this time.

Today start was very interesting, Dan and I had breakfast together. As always we come back to my place and play a couple rounds of the original super smash brother for the Nintendo 64. It's alway a fierce battle of wit and finger dexterity, a battle which dan has grown accostumed to barely sqeaking out victorious. I write the piece of degrading nonsence because i lost a stupid bet, i don't know why i always go for duch one sided bets. This match was particularly frustrating because it was so stinkin close. He had three live and i had one, I came back and got him down to one life also. To no avail though..... It would've been so awesome if i won that one match! Stpid ridiculously fun game!

Day 7 Oct 19 - Music

2008-10-19T11:47:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure I spent close to 7 hours yesterday on my song, Soothe. I finished it, something like 3 years ago. It took two years to write, granted, i got stuck and frusterated with for almost a whole year. I did the whole thing entirly on my (musical) keyboard's sequencer, this is pretty uncommon. The song i have on Facebook and Myspace is only a recording straight from the keyboard, which was good enough.

I had a brainwave about a week ago, I could put Soothe on iTunes! Unfortunately the file is in the wrong format and the song is too quiet due to way i recorded it. Thus the 7 hours spent on it yesterday. Not like it's done or anything, but it sounds WAY WAY better already.

There are some technical knitpickings that i didn't attend to before, and a few places that just don't flow properly. That's today's work! I have a perfectionist side to me, it seems to only come out when i'm writing music. Honestly, it's the best feeling in the world sitting there and crafting this... thing. Getting to intimately know each note in the song, every beat, and every chord.

When i get finished this thing, it will be the best it has ever been, hopefully by far. I mean privately, it brings me such joy and a strong sence of accomplishment. Is that wierd? It kinda seems a bit odd to me. In some ways i guess that's why I get so nervious showing others, because everyone has opinions totally independant of mine. Oh well.

Day 6 Oct 18 - Discipline?

2008-10-18T11:05:00.000-07:00

Well i'm not quite sure what to write about, not for a lack of stuff, but for an abundance of it. I woke up today feeling quite stressed and frustrated. I think it all revolves around this shocking lack of discipline in my life. Yep, the more i think about it, the more it becomes appearant.

How does one go about learning discipline? It's definately more than just self-restraint, it has to be the triumph of the will over the nature i guess. Hey that means i'm not as willful as i should be, that's ironic. Man I used to be THE most willful kid around, just ask my family.

Ok, so how does some one go about getting more willpower? Hows that for a wierd question? I just have to focus on the Lord, just walk with Him. I guess I could just ask Him for it daily.

Our walk with the Lord is the very purpose of our existance, that's it! All we have to do i focus on our relationship with him. I forgot. The strange thing is that i said as much to a good friend only hours ago. It's scary how word can be so thoughtful and thoughtless at the sametime.

Anyway, no matter what, God is good and His grace is enough!

Day 5 Oct 17 - Music in the Night

2008-10-17T10:23:00.001-07:00

Ok, I plunged happily into bed at 11:30, I had a bad headeche and the dark was soothing to me eyes. The only noise i could hear was the soft pleasant sound of the fan in the hallway, the sheets felt so soft on my hands. I was happy, yet surprisingly wide awake. I passed time by talking with God untill a song started tricling into my head. It started small and barely noticable, but time brought it on full and strong. All it could do is hear this song, it was all i could hear. It was a strange guitar solo, mysterious and sad sounding. Around 1 AM i decided to sneak off to the studio and attemp to capture the song. My mind is such that it is almost impossible for it o remember melodies or a song in general, granted there are a few exceptions. However if I wanted to hear that melody ever again, i had to capture it. Well around 2 AM i was looking at this song on my computer, feeling pretty good about the accomplishment. It's far from exactly what i heard in my head, butt the idea is clearly there. I was back in bed like 2:10 and went to sleep , finally, at 3 AM.

I feel great today, excited to tacle the things befor me to do. I also am looking forward to being in the studio today. I'm going to touch up my song Soothe for iTunes, it'll be my first ever album! Today i want to accomplish doing my excersises twice and haveing a quiet time today. It will be a very good day if i can pull those off.

Day 4 Oct 16

2008-10-16T17:49:00.001-07:00

Well I really set myself up today, huh? I don't know about the movie or the shaking comedy, i can deliver theology and of course chemical X.

So yesterday I had the opportunity to hang with my college pastor, Ryan Paulson, and I got to solidify this answer to a nagging problem.

On Facebook I have a group dedicated to the advancement of prayer in our culture, and there i figured i'd try to address the confusion around Mathew 18:20. "When two or more are gathered in my name, there i will be with them" I hadd wrongfully thought this was a separate idea from the previous 6 verses talking about discipline in the church. I thought this was saying when two or more gather Jesus is there in a " special way. I used this verse to motivate my prayer group efforts, yet when i stopped to really think about it, it never felt totally correct.

The function of a prayer group is simply to come before the throne of God in the companey of others. There is no additional power to a prayer group. It's all about fellowship and coming together as the body of Christ, which is still important enough to do it. I feel pretty perturbed that it took me a solid year to get that straight in my mind. That should've ben the first thing i studied.

Anyway today has been grossly un disciplined, which is a bummer. This blog has been the only thing done that I wanted to do today. I'm not feeling well today, i'm looking forward to bed tonight which will end up being like 1 AM.

I remember, though that God sees me perfected by Jesus's sacrifice, and that the Lord has a plan for me and my life. I take great comfort and a peaceful joy from that tll about fellowship and coming together as the body of Christ, which is

Day 3 Oct 15

2008-10-15T11:52:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a great day, I did everything i set out to do. Today will be much harder, i'm extremely scattered today and sorta tired. On the other hand, when my thoughts hit the idea of puting my first album on Itunes... I get all excited. All i hafta do is edit the song a timy bit and make the whole thing a bit louder and i'm set. I'm only putting the one song up there right now just to see how it'lll do. I got guys game night tonight, so that should be fun. i just really need to keep the excersising up.

My blogs thus far are pretty bland, i'll make it more interesting. In fact this'll be the last dull one! I'll throw in a movie and some earth shaking theology with a little gut splitting comedy, not forgetting of course... Chemical X!!!!!

Day 2 Oct 14

2008-10-14T08:14:00.000-07:00

Yesterday: I spent something like 7 hours of doing nothing but laundry. I did get it all done so i am very pleased. It's good to focus in on something like that to know I'm still capable of working hard on one thing for a long time. I think i need to do stuff like that way more often. Regretfully I found out I have been filling the bath too full whenever I take one. This is extremely bad because the overflow drain has a big crack in it, so all the water goes through the ceiling of my studio closet. That where we keep all the extra blankets, pillows, and things. So they are spread all over the studio to dry. I feel pretty bad about that. There really isn't any time when laziness is ok, or so says this situation anyway. The prayer group didn't meet last night, everyone had stuff they were doing at 7, Nathan thought he could come later but i called it off. I felt like a break was a good idea, i still had mounds of laundry to fold. I am beginning to feel bad, we've been taking more and more breaks all of which are at my suggestion. I think i need to come to the Lord during the day and ask him to search my heart, make sure I'm doing this correctly.

Today: I have reading to do for class today. I'm only going to do what will be quizzed on today so that I can focus on finishing organizing my room and hopefully get started on the office. I almost didn't write today, fortunately I got an email from blogger saying one of my blogs may be a spammers blog, thus reminding me to write. I am kinda worried about tomorrow and how I'm going to remember. I need to get going again with my shoulder exercises again, i haven't done them in 4 days and I'm feeling it. I also need to do exercises for my legs. Most importantly i need to get quiet time in today. Remember let tomorrow worry about itself, today has enough troubles.

Day 1 Oct 13

2008-10-13T10:42:00.000-07:00

Well hopefully this will be the beggining of something I do everyday. I like writting and some of the people closest to me have encouraged me to write daily. The thing I wounder about is, why do I want to write stuff for everyone to see if they want to. Most people want to be all private, i seem to have the exact opposite pull. I just really want to be known I guess.

Today is Monday, meaning prayer group is tonight. I have grown to truly look forward to the time with my friends before the throne of God. Fantasy seems to meet reality there, i figure it's the most meaningful hing i do all week.

Right now everything I own is a mess, and its driving me nuts! Today after this I am going to clean. Clean, organize, and fix all the way up til the prayer group. Tomorro I will ccontinue the clenly quest. I'm sync-ing my Ipod at the moment... and it's done.... and so am I.